


Meaning

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drama, During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-26
Updated: 2006-06-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 14:09:54
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8670589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam finds the true meaning to life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Another late night story again. A new style, just snapshots of the boys lives. It makes me all sqooshy inside, thinking about it. ^^  


* * *

**Meaning  
Summary:** Sam find’s the true meaning to life.  
**Fandom:** Supernatural  
**Rating:** PG-16[without the Hard R]  
**Word Count:** 4605  
**Characters:** Sam, Dean and a small guest appearance by the lovely John.  
**Pairings:** Dean/Sam  
**Warning:** Wincest, but nothing too graphic. I’m still a *cough*virgin*cough* so I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing. I think it turned out alright, eh?  
**Author’s Notes:** Another late night story again. A new style, just snapshots of the boys lives. It makes me all sqooshy inside, thinking about it. ^^  
 

=====================================================================  
  
 **i.**

The first lesson Dean ever taught to Sam was lying. He was the mere age of thirteen and Dean found an odd satisfaction that he was already corrupting his little brother.

There are many things one has to learn to become a skilled liar. Dean had had much practice, learning from experience. _She’s just a friend Dad; I was only messing around Dad; Do you really believe Sam Dad?_ Dean, at that age, was proud of this skill. There wasn’t much else to be proud of.

Sam looked up to his big brother, like a dog would to a bone. He wanted to know everything Dean knew, to do everything Dean did, be everything Dean was. It was his goal, it was his ambition. The dream should have worn off when he was about ten and beginning to find himself, but it had stayed strong.

Dean was once again bias about his great personality and looks, thinking that’s why Sam held on. Honestly, who didn’t want to be like Dean Winchester? But Sam’s reasons for holding on were entirely different and Dean should’ve known.

"You have to look him in the eye, but never let on that you’re lying," Dean explained. They were seated in the living room; Sam on the couch and Dean was pacing. It was dimly lit from the setting sun and smelt of warm summer air and honeysuckle. There was a mix of something else, something familiar, but they couldn’t pinpoint it. Or maybe they just didn’t want to.

Sam frowned deeply. "How do I do that?"

"Any person with a second grade education knows when they’re being lied too. Especially girls, watch out for that Sammy. But you can cover the signs of a lie. It’s about _control_." Dean grinned, licking his lips. _Teaching_ , it was God’s gift to him.

"Control," Sam repeated, shaking his chestnut brown mop. "Okay, got it."

"Eye contact, hands under the table, a composed face." Dean had stopped pacing. Sam was now nodding. Dean’s work was done. Now to test the subject.

They were eating supper when John walked into the room, throwing his jacket on the kitchen counter. He loosened his tie and Sam giggled, clearly nervous and excited. Dean kicked him under the table and Sam instantly stopped, his face becoming serious and bland. 

John smiled at Dean and Sam, seating himself at the head of the table.. "How was your day?"

Dean eyed Sam while shoving his mouth full of potatoes, freeing him from the task of having to answer and running Sam into a tight corner. 

"Fine," Sam replied, looking his father squarely in the eye. John nodded, looking down to his plate and so did Sam, knowing he was in the clear.

"What did you boys do?" John asked no boy in particular.

Dean quickly took his glass of milk and started to drink, giving Sam a prompting eyebrow raise. Sam smiled slightly before looking to his father. "Nothing really Dad."  
  
**ii.**

When Sam turned fifteen, Dean took him to the gym. There, Sam was faced with large burly men and a few weaker ones on the treadmills. Dean laughed at his shocked younger brother, leading him towards the weights.

"You need to learn to fight."

Sam eyed the weights skeptically. "I know how to fight."

"Yeah, like a girl. Now it’s time to fight like a man."

Dean knew if he taught Sam to fight, Sam would learn discipline, strength and stubbornness. The boy was strong-headed already, but to Dean he could be so much more. Sam’s self-doubt would creep up quietly, making Sam back down from most challenges and Dean wanted to fix that. The boy was a Winchester, for Christ’s sake.

"These look heavy," Sam pointed out, leaning in to inspect the weights.

Dean had already taken off his shirt to bare a white wife-beater and already tanned muscles. Sam caught a quick glance out of the corner of his eye of his brother before lifting a weight. He balanced it for a few seconds, a broad smile appearing before the weight came crashing down onto Sam’s foot.

They went back another day, much to Sam’s protest. Sam still believes that those weights are possessed. Dean just calls him a pussy.  
  
**iii.**

"Will you take Sam driving today? I’m going away again."

Dean didn’t look up from the TV screen as he nodded and waved a farewell to his departing father. But a prickle of disappointment and worry ran through Dean’s bones as his father gathered his bags and books.

Dean didn’t find it odd for his father to be saying that he was gone again - he had expected it anyway. What bothered Dean was the fact that Sam’s sixteenth birthday was only in a few days and John had promised to take him driving, just in time for his license. Dean didn’t know want to see how Sam would take it that his Dad had some how managed to back out from another Father/Son trip.

"You promise now," John called from the door.

"Promise," Dean called back, his eyes flickering for one moment away from the TV. "Scout’s honor." 

The door clicked shut as Sam came bounding down the stairs. He had a set of keys in hand, the familiar smile Dean loved and a contagious excitement. Dean looked up to his brother, who looked back at him quizzically and let out a hefty sigh.

"Where’s Dad?" Sam asked, looking around the corner and down the hall.

"Where do you think?" Dean retorted, flicking through the channels, not really paying attention. Sam’s presence usually consumed Dean’s attention most of the time... it had been that way since he was just a baby.

"He’s gone isn’t he?" Sam fell onto the chair, a sinister glare replacing the once wonderful liveliness. How quickly Sam could change his moods... _just like a girl on PMS_ , Dean thought warily.

"Yes, young one, father has left us yet again to hold down the fort and left me in charge - " Dean shut off the TV and turned to Sam, " - once again."

" _You’re_ taking me driving?" Sam looked very unsure and Dean laughed.

"Who else other then me? I’m _great_ with cars," Dean replied, jumping to his feet and swiping the key from Sam’s hands.

"Yeah, if you add a girl in the backseat," Sam muttered under his breath, looking at his now empty hand.

"Oh yeah, I’m better at that. I can drive pretty damn well though." Dean ruffled Sam’s hair, getting him a glare. "Com’n geekazoid, let’s go pave the road of your miserable life."

Sam stood, still looking solemn. Dean noticed that Sam was quickly gaining on him in height and would soon tower over him. Dean frowned, making a note to make sure Sam would never be taller then him. Dean could possibly grow an extra few inches, couldn’t he?

"I’m so glad you’re my brother," Sam commented sarcastically as they walked out the door. 

Dean smiled. "I’m glad I’m your brother too."  
  
**iv.**

Dean’s next lesson was one he didn’t bring on intentionally. The lessons had ended for a few years since Sam began to learn on his own. Dean needed the break from being all brotherly and great anyway.

But when the Stanford acceptance letter arrived, Dean felt the brother in him rage. Sam couldn’t leave - it wasn’t right. Not after what had happened... not after John’s promise to have this all be over soon. Not after all he and Dean had been through. Dean couldn’t find anything right in Sam’s decision, but he was clouded by his own desire and greed to see clearly.

"You’re just going to leave then?" Dean spat out angrily.

"It’s my life Dean, you can’t control it anymore!" Sam yelled back, throwing a book at the door where Dean was standing. He dodged it, glaring menacingly at Sam.

"Do you know how much of a mistake you’re making?" Dean shouted as Sam stormed down the stairs.

Sam didn’t reply but ran through the doors, throwing his bags on the lawn. He produced a set of keys from his pocket and looked at them for a moment. 

Dean appeared at the door, holding onto the door frame as Sam stared at his house keys.

"Here," he called out and threw the keys at Dean, who caught them with one hand. "I don’t need these."

Dean looked up at Sam, blinking into the sun.

"I’m not coming back Dean," Sam called out, dragging his luggage to the waiting cab driver, who seemed utterly unfazed by it all. He probably saw it all the time. "Bye."

As the cab drove away, Dean only saw all the lesson’s he had taught his brother in the dust: lying about sending in his application to Stanford, stubbornness and will to make his own life and the fact that he knew he could fly away when he had control of the wheel.

**iv.i**

Sam spent the rest of his days after leaving the house studying for Pre-Law, biking along the campus grounds and talking to a beautiful blonde girl named Jessica. She had a wicked sense of humor, a sweet demeanor when she chose and, best of all, seemed generally interested in Sam and his life.

 

Sam knew he loved her and that one day, they would marry. But deep down, he knew that he loved Jessica because she reminded him vaguely of Dean.

> > **iv.ii**
>> 
>> Dean realized, after Sam left, that he didn’t laugh anymore. No longer did it plague the air or fill the empty crevices of the house. Dean missed the laughter, he missed the memories they had once shared.

Dean didn’t like to admit Sam was gone any more. Sometimes, when he had had enough to drink and was feeling light and free, he would sit outside Sam’s bedroom window... just like when they were younger. Stars would dance in blurred shapes in Dean’s eyes, but he could always point out Sam’s favorite constellations and best memories on the rooftop, like he was still there.

Dean was going to wait for Sam, there was no question about it. No matter how long it took.

**v.**  
  
It had been years since Dean’s last lesson. Sam did come back, once again bringing the life long lessons which he seemed to apply to _everything_.

It was in another hotel room - white walls, red beds, blue carpet, that disgusting stain no one could seem to identify- that Dean decided to pick up on his life teachings. He had one important lesson in mind, one that he was planning to keep till the end of his goal. But now it was nearing the end and Dean couldn’t wait any longer.

Sam couldn’t sleep that night. He had crawled into bed after a quick shower, his mind buzzing and his eyes itching from tiredness. But he laid wide awake, the warmth of Dean’s back against his. Sam found it odd they only had single bed rooms left, but he didn’t protest when Dean took the key and the led them to the room. He was just a mixture of flesh, dirt, sweat and blood by then.

At first, when Sam felt the warmth running further over his back, he was sure he was becoming delusional. But it turned into rough fingers and a penetrating heat that was moving slowly across the elastic band of his shorts. Sam stiffened under the touch, biting his lip. He had felt that touch before.

The hand moved freely, exploring the familiar terrain. Sam felt himself sweat though he still shook from the cold shower. The hand continued moving slowly, reaching up to Sam’s stomach and resting over his stomach.

Sam let out a groan and Dean smiled against his brother’s back.

"Dean," Sam begged. He had been waiting for that touch for years. 

But Dean pulled back and rolled on his side, facing away Sam. Sam sat shocked, the heat now cooling rapidly upon his skin. Sam shivered in the sudden cold and curled up under the covers, feeling empty without the touch. 

The first lesson in his final teaching; Dean taught Sam _want_.  
  
**vi.**

Months passed and Sam’s urge started to die away. Moments he would have a revelation and almost ask Dean why he did what he did that night at the hotel. Sam wanted to know Dean’s reason... was it mocking or genuine? Sam needed to know; he needed to know that he wasn’t alone in these feelings and he wanted to know it wasn’t wrong.

Sam would almost ask Dean to touch him again, but he never had enough courage.

"Found anything yet?" Dean asked the tired Sam. Ahead the road was stretching further and the yellow lines blurred into one. Dean rubbed his eyes quickly, blinking to keep them open. Night was falling soon.

Sam shook his head, yawning. "Nothing yet. I’ll tell you when I do."

Dean looked out the window, frowning. "We should stop soon."

Sam looked up from the laptop and took a look out the window. "Dean, there’s no motels."

"We practically live in this car, might as well sleep in it once," Dean declared, smiling. He swerved the car to the right, causing Sam to jostle in his seat. His head smashed against the window and a sharp crack filled the car.

"What the hell Dean!" Sam growled, holding his head.

Dean stopped the car and pouted at Sam. "Oh, did I hurt you Sammy?"

Sam glared, shutting the laptop with a snap. As he was about to turn to the backseat and drop the laptop on the floor, there was a pressure on his legs; Sam swung back around to be faced with Dean. They sat only millimeters apart.

"Boo," Dean whispered, grinning smugly.

Sam’s mouth gaped open, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He wasn’t sure if Dean could feel the tightening in Sam’s pant, but Sam sure could. "What are you doing?" Sam whispered back, biting his lip. _Don’t give in, don’t give in._

Dean held Sam’s head in his hands, searching into the dark eyes for something he was sure was there. After a few moments of looking, he leaned in, his breath snaking Sam’s lips. He felt Sam shudder beneath him and he smiled as he pressed his lips gently against his brother’s. 

A wave of heat and wanting swept over Sam as Dean slipped his tongue skillfully into his. The weight of Dean on his legs was almost becoming unbearable, but Sam liked it. His hands ran under Dean’s shirt... he could feel the sweat beneath from the hot day.

Dean broke the kiss and Sam moaned, not wanting it to end. His hips bucked in protest and Dean chuckled, licking Sam’s neck. Ecstasy borderlines epiphany and it’s definitely a powerful thing. 

Sam could feel the rush of impatience and want hitting him quickly. He felt his mind blank as Dean’s lips moved further down his neck, kissing all the spots a brother wasn’t meant to kiss. Sam’s fingernails dug into the car seat, his toes curled in his shoes and his bottom lip quivered as he gave into unexplainable bliss.

" _Dean_."

Dean pulled back, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair and pulled away from Sam, sitting back in the driver’s seat.

Sam sat back hard in the passenger’s seat, panting and his hands open as though waiting for Dean’s presence to fill them again. He looked over, almost incredulously, at Dean. For a moment, he hated the man sitting in the seat next to him, acting like it never happened. But how could Sam ever hate Dean that much?

Dean couldn’t look at Sam for awhile; staring out the window into an endless abyss, Dean rubbed his face and tried to collect his thoughts. After a few minutes of silence, Dean stretched his arms over his head and smiled. 

"Night Sammy," Dean said as he crawled into the backseat, leaving Sam pondering the fact of true ecstasy.   
  
**vii.**

It wasn’t even the next night and Dean was on top of Sam, ripping off his shirt and crushing his mouth into Sam’s. He had told himself to be steady and pace it all out in moderation - make Sam _feel_ the need to be with him. But he couldn’t control any of it anymore, not since the night before. He had just about gone over the edge when Sam begged his name.

Sam was shocked, of course, but quickly the shock turned into the same bliss he had the night before. All day, he had tried to bring it back to mind and to his body, but it wouldn’t work. He needed Dean’s body crushing him, he need Dean’s breath blanketing him and he needed Dean. He just _needed_.

The kisses were hot, frenzied and less passionate. Sam didn’t know where he was going or what he was doing, but all he knew is that Dean wasn’t complaining and that was probably a big bonus. 

Somewhere in the mix of arms, tongues and blankets, Sam lost his pants. Dean was now running a leg down Sam’s side, reaching the edge of his boxers... just like the first night. Sam grunted, pushing into Dean’s hand, hoping his brother would finally give in. He was damn well ready to.

Dean silenced Sam by another crushing kiss, one that would bruise. Sam had never felt so dominated and a kiss had never been so painful, but it all seemed right. The lustful moans and points of ecstasy, Sam knew it was right. No longer did he fear the fact of being wrong; Dean was there and that was all that mattered.

"You drove me crazy last night," Dean growled into Sam’s neck. He squeezed hard on the toned thigh beneath his hands and felt his brother fidget. "Just relax."

"I... I can’t," Sam breathed out, feeling the heat again. It was searing, every place Dean touched. It surrounded his whole body... if Dean backed out now - 

With one last bruising kiss, Dean slipped off of Sam and rolled over on the bed. 

Sam still laid on his back, feeling tormented and betrayed, staring blankly at the roof like _it_ had made everything wrong. He folded his arms across his chest, the heaving breaths fading with the moment of passion. He looked over at Dean, huffed a disgruntled sigh and swung his legs over the edge.

"The owners might began to wonder," Dean explained playfully after seeing Sam’s obvious irritation. 

Dean wasn’t one to disappoint often, but he had went to quickly. Lessons weren’t learned in a heartbeat... they needed time and practice. Dean knew. It took Sam years till he used all his childhood lessons at once.

"I hate it when you do that," Sam snapped before rushing off into the bathroom.

Dean heard the sink run, mumbling and some cursing. The shower turned on as Dean began to drift off, his eyes fluttering dangerously. The lesson of lust always left him exhausted.

**viii.**

It took Sam a few fair months to consider Dean’s actions. He knew it was wrong to give in to what Dean wanted, to the let the need overcome his mind, body and soul. But how could it be so wrong and feel so good? Was it the act of rebellion, the act of knowing that somehow, somewhere, someone knew what happened in those cheap hotel rooms and it made Sam feel invincible? Or was it that he needed to feel a body on him, near him, in him... loving him the way that only a true soul mate could?

Sam didn’t know anymore why he felt that way about Dean. He had come to terms with just letting himself feel and not to question why.

Sam tried to see Dean differently now. He has looked past Dean’s meager attempt at cockiness and a strong head and saw Dean’s true self. But Sam could never see it when they’re driving down another empty road, fighting another fight or just lounging outside the next gas station or burger place. He only saw it during the night, just before he drifted off to sleep and Dean was there beside him, watching with dark eyes, like he knows he could read every thought in Sam’s muddled mind.

Sam wanted to see it more often. He liked that Dean more.

What bothered Sam was how the moments of passion would stretch out at long intervals... Sam hated to wait. Dean was doing it on purpose and Sam knew and Sam was getting impatient. But inside him, a little voice somewhere, told him he had to wait for Dean’s lead. _Follow_.

But Sam didn’t want to follow. He wished he could look Dean in the eye and ask him to touch him again, just like he did the first time. The night he learned to lie like a master; when his innocence was etched into stone and in Dean... his first kiss. But Dean would frown, wrinkling his nose in contempt disregard and sluff it off with a shrug.

That was Dean and this was Sam - so Sam would have to wait.  
  
**x.**

Dean knew it was the night to end it all and begin anew when he saw Sam get up in the morning.

He looked worn - more so then usual. He fidgeted uneasily into his jeans and would stop for moments at a time, staring off into space. Dean could see the hurt and anger in Sam’s eyes and he knew he was the cause. But he couldn’t let it get to him."Time to go Sam," Dean called from the door. Sam didn’t move and Dean frowned disapprovingly.

Dean dug through Sam’s duffle bag, picking at a toothbrush, some books and something he really didn’t want to know what it was; pulling out a neatly folded t-shirt, Dean formed it into a messy ball and grinned. 

"Jesus Sam, you look like Death on a bad day." Dean threw the wad of clothing at Sam, which hit him squarely in the head, but he never moved.

"Not today Dean," Sam whispered, his eyes set unblinkingly at the wall. "I don’t want to fight it today."

Dean rolled his eyes and shifted his position to the ‘annoyed’ stance. "Com’n Sam, whatever personal emo-kid problems you think you have need to stop and - "

"You’re dealing with it too!" Sam snapped angrily, glaring at the wall. He wouldn’t look at Dean ( _Could it hurt me that much?_ Sam wondered).

Sam’s bottom lip trembled and Dean remembered how it used to tremble because of him, but for entirely different reasons. Reasons that made him feel like he was why Sam was still here. Reasons he couldn’t explain.

"I’m not." Dean turned away, leaning his hands on the nearby dresser. He saw a shadowed reflection of himself in the grimy mirror and he didn’t have to wipe it away to know that’s what he really was inside. 

"How can you not be?" Dean felt the floor shake as Sam was broken from his trance and he stood to his feet. "You’ve been there, you were apart of it all! You brought it on me! Don’t tell me that you practically fucking me was all just in my head! Those moments, they happened Dean! And dammit, you’re not going to use me because you haven’t got anyone else!"

Dean spun around, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Yeah, they happened Sammy! Those moments are real, but the reason I’m not losing sleep over it is because I know what my feelings are for you!"

Sam blinked, his raised fist falling slightly. His anger flickered into panic, understanding, and loss. Then it was gone. "What are they?"

Dean stared at Sam for awhile, trying to analyze his feelings and turn them into words. "It’s wrong Sam, I know it is. But ever since... ever since..." Dean tried to finish the sentence, but something in Sam’s eyes overtook his body and mind and turned it all off. Sam’s eyes softened and Dean could almost see the memory flash in his eyes.

"That night," Sam offered, lowering his fist all the way. The fingers flexed out and Dean sighed.

Dean nodded, biting his lip. "Yeah, that night, it changed everything between us."

"I know," Sam said into the silence. "I thought... I never knew it was still that way."

Dean wrung his hands together; for the first time, he was nervous. What if this never worked out like they hoped? What if it just couldn’t happen? Dean didn’t know how long he could go without seeing Sam again.

"Listen Sam, we can sort this out tonight. There’s too much of it all to discuss now," Dean said after a moment of awkward silence. "There are things just better left unsaid you know Sammy. Sooner or later, we can both hear them, but for now we’ll just stay the way we are. It’s easier this way."

Sam nodded, looking away. "I suppose."

Dean smiled warily, clapping his brother on the shoulder. The touch sent a chill through Dean’s body and Dean saw Sam visibly shake. He lowered his hand, staring at it in disbelief. Had he imagined that? Dean shook his head, clearing his head.

"Let’s just go kill that son of bitch, okay? Then we can have your precious girl moments," Dean suggested, walking out the door without looking back. 

He knew everything was going to turn out alright in the end.

\- - - 

Some people say the meaning in life is to make a difference in the world or have an unmoveable faith in a God or idol or just be an all around decent person. Some work for their life, trying to earn happiness and respect and others say we’re just here to live and die, so party in between.

But somewhere in time, in history, someone once said that the true meaning to life is to find yourself and everything you are and are going to become inside someone else. A soul mate, if you will. Some people’s life passion is to fall in love and that’s it. 

Before, Sam would’ve have been a person of decency and working and finding happiness where he knew it couldn’t be found. But in Dean, through his lessons and through his love, Sam found out his true meaning. The one people rarely find.

Sam found himself inside Dean - he knew who he was going to become when he was with Dean, he knew who he was standing beside Dean... he knew he was going to be with Dean no matter where they ended up. Wether it was in the same bed or halfway across the world, Sam was in Dean and that was all that mattered.

No longer did Sam mind sharing a bed with Dean in their trips across the states. It’s not like they slept anyway.

=====================================================================

Oh wow. I’m done! Haha. Oh, I’m so proud of myself. I can’t believe I got this done! It’s unbelievable! *giggles* I tried v. v. v. hard on this one... I hope you enjoy it! 


End file.
